On the go

 So, given that I'm leaving in a few days, I've just arranged something with some commander on my corridor to give away said fridge. He'll come and get it tomorrow evening. Thirty euros. 

That one fridge that goes from person to person in this building rofl. 

But yeah. I'm putting all of my stuff in bags. I got a ton of tote bags and grocery bags. I don't think my car could hold boxes. Don't know if I'll keep my microwave, but I'm pretty sure it will fit. I'd only keep it to heat my warmable kitten anyway.

I cried today. Because I have to do it all alone, all over again. I actually posted Instagram stories about it because for once, it's not on a blog where nobody hears me that I wanted to speak. 

"I'm so damn sick to have to do everything alone.

I'll have to go back south in a few days and I'll have to drive 500km all on my own yet again. In all of my most defining moments of life I have been alone. Always have been.

People and society say that it's almost honourable to always make it all on your own, especially if you're a woman. Bullshit. Those people don't know what it's like to be forced to be "resilient" your whole life and that if you dared show any sign of being tired, you'll be accused of lacking resilience.

Just how many times have I literally been kicked when I was down?

How can I trust anyone after such shit happens?

I don’t like thinking like this. I feel like I’m the 16-year-old I used to be, the one who was always angry and bitter and hated people. I know I’m capable of better, but I’m in such a state that I don’t think I have the strength to become a better person.

I don’t like the person I'm becoming. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back up this time and it scares me. Cause in the past, despite everything I've remained more or less the same.

But now? I’m facing a level of horror I’ve never experienced before. And I’m scared of not finding a job, of having to sell my car, of not being able to dance or of having a bloody hell of a breakdown, of losing even more than I have already.

I’m scared I’ll kill myself on the way south. Not because I’d want to. Because accidents happen, and when you’ve already nearly died three times in a few months, you feel like death is chasing you. Absolutely terrifying. 

I didn’t survive a proper suicide attempt just to die inside, I hope?? To be nothing but an empty husk with nothing left, regressing, and who’ll never be normal??

My cat better survive a few more years. He’s the only one I want. Even though just thinking about seeing him again makes me cry 😭😭

And I’m terrified of dancing. I’ve been waiting for this since February, for fuck’s sake. I just want to be able to do it at last. But I'm so scared of what may come out the minute I do even just a tamau..."

My cousin (he's not actually my blood cousin but we grew up like cousins, and I could say he's genuinely my longest-lived friend, I've known him since I was six, so twenty-one years!) asked me about what was going on. Told him about Hopoe. Even showed him my testimony.

He came to the same conclusion as Hera: that I did nothing weird, and that I did all I could. That even if Hopoe had the chance to learn about my illness (our shared illness!), that it would probably not have changed the trajectory of things. And that Cass did me dirty on this one. She did me a "coup de pute", his words.

Please let the road be dissociatingly fast so I can get depressed and wither in peace. 

I just fucking hope I won't have to take medication, or anything. Like be forced to get on antidepressants or something.